New
Arrivals
Author-Amanda
Titles
A Fly on the Wall
by Amanda
Disclaimer: None today. I do own them, I have the receipt right here in my pocket, right where I keep the one for the road, seeing as how I own that too, now I’ve got a car. Damn, must be in my other jeans. I’ll find it by the time you’ve finished reading. OK, I admit it. I don’t own them. Let’s see what Santa brings.
Well, she thought, here I am. What’s in store for today, then. I’ve just managed to get into the loft where Jim Ellison and his friend, Blair, live. And neither of them are any the wiser. If I stay real quiet like they won’t even know I’m here.
Hungry. What’s to eat. I’ll check out the fridge, she thought.
***
Jim Ellison found his sleep disturbed by....something. He raised his head tiredly and looked at his bedside clock. Bloody hell, 5am! I bet Sandburg’s up and moving about downstairs. I’ll kill him! He knows I had a rotten time yesterday while he swanned around at university. I told him I wanted to sleep in. It’s Saturday, for Christ’s sake!
He was too tired to bother getting up right at that moment and throttling his roommate. As he drifted in and out of sleep he thought up grim ways to make Sandburg’s life a misery.
6am. More noise. Ellison couldn’t stand it. The kid had gotten up, made enough noise to wake the dead and then gone back to bed. And now he was doing it again. I’ll kill him.
Throwing his bedclothes aside he stood unsteadily and made his way down the stairs. Standing outside Blair’s room he peered in. The peaceful face, eyes closed in a dreamless sleep, only made his ire rise all the more.
Just as long as you get some sleep, Blair. Think again, kid.
“Sandburg!”
It was like the old Sylvester the Cat cartoons. Ellison was sure, if the kid had claws, he’d be hanging from the ceiling by now.
“Wha! Wha!” the young man found himself, tangled up quite tightly in bedding, on the floor. His butt hurt and the floor felt like ice.
Ellison smiled in satisfaction when, first, two hands appeared and scrambled through the bedcovers and then a pair of dazed eyes peered over the bed at him. Hair stuck out in every imaginable direction and managed to cover most of his face. Something I never have a problem with, the larger man thought.
“What’s the matter?” came the worried question.
Ellison crossed his arms. “Not nice being woken up at an ungodly hour, heh?”
Blair raised himself up off the floor, rubbing his sore butt with one hand and bettering his vision with the other. Ellison hadn’t moved from the doorway and his face exhibited a far too happy smile for so early in the morning.
“What the hell are you talking about? I came in well before midnight, *and* made hardly any noise I might add.”
“No, you thought you’d save all the noise for this morning, instead.”
Blair pushed his way past the decidedly strange man and walked into the livingroom. “English, please. I haven’t even been up yet. So, if you don’t mind, I have to pee.”
Ellison watched the bedraggled figure disappear into the bathroom and frowned. Something sure as hell woke him up, he’d heard it twice. Moving out into the living area he looked around. There it was again. He blocked out his roommate’s fast heartbeat, caused by his somewhat rude awakening, and concentrated on the annoying clamour that was coming to him again now.
The toilet flushed and he winced, having had his hearing peaked as high as he dared. Blair stepped out into the livingroom and looked at him questioningly, thinking he had a damn good explanation coming.
Ellison looked away from the annoyed face and in the direction of the kitchen. The fridge. There it was. A damn huge fly walking around the fridge seals. Ellison looked at Blair and pointed at the culprit smugly as if to say: See, I wasn’t going mad.
Blair looked. He shut his open mouth and returned his less than amused expression back to the detective. “A fly. A fly woke you up and you decided it was me. Ta very much.”
***
These damn fridge seals are too good, she thought. There was no food left out in this house, ever. She had her suspicions as to why. The big one was anal to the point of sucking up the furniture whenever he took a seat. The smaller human would like to leave scraps out for her, she was certain, but the other one ruled the place with an iron fist.
Uh oh, one was coming near.
***
Ellison swiped his hand at the offending insect. His inner ear reverberated with the incessant drone of its wings. I’ll bloody kill it. Where’s the spray? Oh, that’s right, Sandburg threw it out. It made him sneeze. OK, so it did it to me, too, but that’s beside the point. He swung at it again and missed.
***
Ha! Gotta be faster than that, human. I was dodging faster attempts than that when you were....well, when you were coming home from shopping last week. I’ve seen a lot in my five weeks of life. I don’t why I bother coming here, you never leave anything out. Now, that nice Mr Grot in the block next door, he leaves plenty out for me, and most times it’s nice and rancid.
***
“I’ll open a window, maybe it’ll fly out,” the smaller human offered helpfully.
“This wouldn’t be a problem if we had some spray.”
“C’mon. You know how bad that stuff is, Jim. It gets right up my hooter, let alone yours.”
“You can buy that low irritant stuff nowadays, you know.”
“Oh yeah, sure, like pine scent low irritant is really gonna make a difference with your sense of smell.”
“You catch it then.”
“I’m not catching it. It’s a dirty fly.”
***
Well! Excuse me! Do I have sweat glands? Oil glands? You people stink! A fly’s dream come true. We’re drawn to you like....well, like me. You exude all manner of particles fit for my dinner and you call me dirty! I wash myself dozens of times a day, you...you one shower a day if you’re lucky type animals.
Just for that I’m buzzing the big one again and setting his mood for the day, good and proper.
***
“Damn it! I swear this thing has a mind. Why isn’t it buzzing you, Sandburg?”
“Flies have a very keen sense of smell. They can smell things up to...... What?”
“Are you insinuating I smell?”
***
I love this, she thought. Humans are so easy to bait. No sense of humour. They live in their little world thinking themselves the only cognitive beings on the planet. Truth be known, OK, some of us would like to rule the world and are held back by the lack of opposable thumbs but, conversely, some of us couldn’t really be bothered. As far as I’m concerned you’re all doing a fantastic job of trashing the place and I couldn’t be happier. The more garbage, the merrier, I say!
***
“Of course not. Although, you could do with a tub....” Blair dodged the cuff that was aimed at his head and laughed, “I’m kidding, I’m kidding!”
“Watch it, Junior, I can always get an electronic personal organiser with an alarm in case I zone.”
“I’m hurt, Jim. Who would make you breakfast? Make you dinner?”
“I had a distinct lack of dinner last night, Chief.”
“I warned you I had a date.”
“That’s not the point. Don’t say things you don’t mean or make promises you can’t keep.”
“Do you want your ring back, then?”
Silence.
Ellison tried to kill the smile that teased his mouth but it was a losing battle. Blair’s unadulterated smirk wasn’t helping matters. The bigger man chuckled and Blair joined him.
“I swear we bicker like a married couple sometimes. I got dinner on the way home, I just wanted to rub your nose in it.”
“Doesn’t work with me, Jim, I’ll still do it again.”
“I’ll make breakfast. What ya want?”
“Just toast today. Had a big dinner last night.”
They both wandered companionably to the kitchen, Blair preparing their mugs for coffee and Jim setting the table.
“Damn, it’s back!” he swiped at the ever-present fly again.
“I got an idea.” The younger man went to the fridge and took out a bowl covered with plastic wrap. He looked at his roommate. “You don’t want this do you?”
Jim looked at the contents of the ceramic bowl and wrinkled his nose. “Nope.”
Blair peeled off the plastic wrap, walked to the balcony and opened one of the doors with his free hand and stepped out into the early morning warmth. He placed the bowl on the floor and came inside, leaving the door open.
Jim watched him. Blair stood, arms folded, and watched the fly buzz around the room as it made its steady way to the balcony.
***
Bargain, she thought. Leftover chicken salad, yum. I’m blowing this place.
***
Jim watched amazed as the fly sped its way right past Blair’s shoulder to land lightly on the leftovers. Blair gave him a smug smile and closed the balcony door.
“Fly psychology?”
“Works at picnics, too. If you want the ants to leave you alone you give them their own plate.”
“You’re kidding.”
“Seriously. Try it.”
“Just as long as the filthy thing is gone.”
***
I heard that. Just for that I’ll be back in few days and lay my eggs in the window track. You think I’m annoying, wait until you meet my two dozen kids.
FINIS
I’m sorry I inflicted that one on you. I was in a mood. You show me someone else who can devote three or more pages to a story about a fly and I bet they’ll be as out of touch with reality as me. Why is it that a 1500 word university essay can take you all day and a 1500 word story about our two favourite guys can take half an hour? The subject matter, I’m willing to bet.