by Kimberly Workman
Summary: Jim's musings after he gets home from the doctor's office. (Blind Man's Bluff missing scene.)
Disclamer: Not mine.
He was stupid. That's all there was to it. He was a complete idiot who deserved what had happened to him. When did this realization come about? It didn't take long since he had plenty of time just to sit and think about it.
How could he have let it happen? Didn't he realize that tapping the bag was going to get the drugs on his fingers? That was the first thing they taught you in the Academy, or it should've been; 'Don't play with the drugs.' Blair had told him not to, warned him like a parent warns a pesky child, but did he listen? Nope!
Now the doctor's telling him there's nothing wrong with his sight, that he's causing it himself. What a load of bull. Why in the world would he choose to go blind? It's not like it would make it any easier on this stupid case. A young girl with her whole life ahead of her had died because of him, because he couldn't save her from the Golden, and now he was no better off.
What was he thinking? He wasn't, it was just that simple. Blair tried to convince him to let him help, but in pure Ellision fashion, he had shut Sandburg out of his consciousness and started stumbling towards the stairs as soon as he had gotten home from the doctor's office. Stumbled was the right word since he virtually fell over everything in the Loft. Ran smack into the loveseat and yelled at it, like it was going to up and move. He worked his way around it and almost took out the lamp with one swoop of his arm. If Blair hadn't of caught it, there would have been shards of glass everywhere. That's when Jim yelled his mighty roar, telling Sandburg to "Stop hovering!" He finally found the stairs, the bottom step almost tripping him.
The last thing he heard was Blair's retreating steps and the slamming of the front door. He had driven him out, away from their home. Now he was all alone and frightened to no end. Wasn't it all so ironic? Here he was, a former Army Ranger who was supposed to be a toughed cop and Sentinel protecting Cascade and HE WAS SCARED. Feeling his way up the stairs, he couldn't help but wonder if he took that one wrong step, would he end up in a broken heap at the bottom?
Thank goodness that didn't happen. He made it safely to the top and easily found his huge bed. Now he was just lying there, thinking about the stupidity he had been a part of. He gave up on keeping his eyes open because it only served to remind him of what had happened. Black, gold, black, gold with every blink. Darkness was better than this teasing light. He just wanted to die. How could he be a cop? How could he be a human being for that matter? All he could picture was Blair having to lead him around for the rest of his life, cutting up his meat and picking out matching clothes.
That is, if Blair ever came back. The poor guy had taken too much abuse at the hands of the mighty detective. Every time Jim got angry, Sandburg got the blunt of it. It's surprising how much junk he could take. No, Jim was sure he'd come back, he always did. No matter what happened, they had something, a real friendship. But that didn't matter, nothing did. No matter how much Blair valued him as a friend and brother almost, none of that was going to bring his sight back.
He just wanted to wake up from this nightmare. Back the time machine up a couple of days. He wouldn't be blind and that poor girl wouldn't be dead. Yeah, that would be the answer to everything. But that wasn't going to happen. He was still blind and she was still dead. There was nothing he could do about it.
As soon as Simon found out about all this, he was sure to send Jim packing. Can't have a blind cop, now can you? Of course not, Of.... Course.... Not. But what if he wasn't blind? He could more than compensate for his lost sight better than any other person did. Simon would be none the wiser if Blair went along with it. Whatever he couldn't do on his own, Sandburg could cover for him. It wasn't like he wanted to fool people, but he had a job to do. He had to catch the suppliers; if not for himself, for the girl. She deserved to have her killers brought to justice. Yes, that was a good idea. He'd have to tell Blair when he got back.
It didn't matter if he couldn't see, as long as he could do his job. And if his sight didn't come back? Well...that was a matter for later. Right now, he had to deal with getting the suppliers off the street. He was a Sentinel and he had a city to protect.