by Kimberly Workman
Summary: Jim muses after Blair's death in Sentinel Too, Part 2 and reveals the line of betrayal of his past.
Disclamer: Not mine.
He died. He wasn't supposed to die. He wasn't supposed to leave me. They all leave me. They all leave after they betray me. Once they learn that I'm not worth it, that I'm different, they all seek out to destroy me.
My mom did it. She found out her son was a freak and she couldn't handle it. I still remember the night she came into my room, that last night I got to see her. She looked at me like I should be pitied. I didn't understand why she hated me for who I was. She made me this way, why was it so wrong that I liked it? Dad always said that was the reason she left, because of me. All my life I had to carry that burden, knowing that I took our mother away from Steven so young that he doesn't even remember her face. I destroyed our family because I was different.
I wanted to please them, make them see that I was just as good as anyone else, but nothing I did seemed to matter. I even went into the Army because of them. I figured that I could leave them in peace, let Steven and Dad get closer with me out of the way. I might have even made Dad proud of me, if I could show him that I was good as something. He never listened, he never saw me for who I was.
Carolyn left me. It wasn't her fault, it's never their fault. She just couldn't handle being both sides in the relationship. Talking to a human wall wasn't her idea of a two-way, loving marriage. I know I was cold, I know I was wary of intimacy, but that was who I was. She knew that and thought she could change it. No one can change an Ellison, it's in our blood.
Well, I guess that's not true. Sandburg changed me. He didn't try, maybe that's what was so different. Everyone else tried to turn me into their perfect image of what I should be. Blair never tried that. He knew who I was and he knew I wasn't apt to change, I'd rather buck at it. Instead, he wormed his way in without making a sound. Where once empty space reined, now stood his touches, his images, his being. I slowly broke down the barriers and let him peer in. Then, he betrayed me just like all the others. I should have known Dad was always right, never let your guard down. Sandburg saw me for what I was, but was only after me for his own gains. I wasn't a friend to him, I was a project, a subject in his master-plan of primal discovery. She was just as important to him as I was, but she got the upper hand. She turned the tide on him and made him see the game for what it really was, survival of the fittest.
It wasn't her fault, it's never anyone's fault. She was only doing what the urge pushed her to do. Destroy the enemy and eliminate all barriers. I just never thought Blair would be one of those barriers. I know I was quick to accuse him, but how was I to know? He was just like all the others, I thought. No one stays with me, no one cares enough to stick it out. He wasn't supposed to be any different, but he was. He stayed when I revealed myself, he stayed when I barricaded myself, he stayed when I had no where else to turn. The others stayed because they had to, but bailed on me before the final play was done. He stayed because he wanted to and still didn't want to bail, even in death.