New
Arrivals
Author-Suzie
Titles
Life and Times of a Black and White Cat
by Suzie
Summary: Feline Physics. #3 in the I Want a Pet series.
Disclaimer: Some of the characters in this story belong to the UPN Network and Pet Fly Productions as part of the television show The Sentinel. I do not claim these characters as my own. No money has changed hands.
Notes: Thank you ever so much, Robyn, for sending me "Feline Physics". I just couldn’t pass this up. <BG> My thanks to the wonderful Beta Beast, without whom I wouldn’t know a comma from a colon. <G>
~Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.
* Pop ~ kachink* Figaro opened his eyes at the familiar sound of the aluminum lid peeling off the can of food. Ooooo … dinner time! The cat was down off Blair’s bed in a black and white blur and in the kitchen purring and winding himself around Blair’s legs.
“Yeah yeah … I’m hurrying,” Blair grinned. “You’ve been dead-to-the-world all afternoon, but, man, open a can of cat food and …”
~Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
The sun no longer shone through the balcony windows. Figaro stood and stretched as only a cat can. Up over the coffee table onto the sofa. Over the back of the sofa down to the floor to trot towards the big table. In one graceful leap Figaro was on the table, moving across, and back down to the floor on the other side. Across the floor, into Blair’s bedroom, up onto the bed where he quickly laid down among the pillows.
~Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.
"SANDBURG!" Jim bellowed from his room.
"What's wrong, Jim?!" Blair called, hurrying up the stairs.
"*Your* cat! That's what's wrong!!"
Blair looked at the bed where Jim had laid out his clothes before taking his shower. Figaro lay comfortably on the soft knitted sweater. "Oh ... um," he quickly moved forward and scooped the cat into his arms. "Sorry, Jim."
Jim stood with his hands on his hips, looking from the clothes on the bed to Blair and Figaro with a look of disgust.
"Um ... There's not much there and it's mostly black fur. It won't show."
"*I* can see the black hair as well as the white," the Sentinel growled, picking up the sweater in one fist.
"Oh ... right." Blair turned and started down the stairs. "You get dressed and I'll get the masking tape!"
"Just *ONCE* I'd like to go somewhere without taking part of that cat with me."
Figaro just purred in Blair’s arms, peering around to look at the big man with what Jim would swear was a satisfied grin.
~Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.
Figaro slept on the pillows above his Master's head most nights. But on cold nights, when the draft made his feet cold, Figaro always headed upstairs to sleep with the Big Man. Figaro liked to share the bed with the Big Man. He was a *quiet* sleeper. Not like his Master, who tended to kick and move throughout the night, and he was *always* warm.
The cat crawled beneath the blankets, snuggled and curled against the warmth of the Jim's back. Figaro let out a soft little sigh as he settled comfortably.
Jim reached back and gave the head a quick scratch, feeling and hearing the cat's contented purr.
~Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.
And
~Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.
Blair awoke with an odd feeling that a weight was sitting on the middle of his back. He’d been sleeping on his stomach and he groggily moved his head to look at the clock. Oh man … 2am!
Blair was trapped, tangled within the confines of his blankets … with something heavy in the middle of his back. He wiggled himself experimentally and received a “merf” in return.
“Figaro!” Blair mumbled sleepily. “Get off me.”
The cat began to purr and stretched lazily, covering the full length of Blair's back before settling in more comfortably.
~Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.
It was after midnight. From his perch on the back of the sofa, Figaro had watched Blair come home. His Master went to the refrigerator, retrieved the milk, then a glass. Blair poured milk into the glass and set the carton aside as he drained the glass in several long gulps. Then, with a tired sigh, he rinsed the glass and left it in the sink before heading off to bed.
Figaro knew he wasn't allowed on the counters.
I'm not *on* the counter, Figaro told himself as he stretched his full length up to the edge and tried to reach the carton with one batting paw.
~Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.
Hmmm, Figaro thought as he sat at the bottom of the stairs that lead up to Jim’s room. Maybe the third step this time. The cat stood, yawning and stretching. Or maybe in the middle of the kitchen floor. It’s the Big Man's night to cook.
~Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.
Figaro sat hunched under the table. *Yum* He sniffed the air as Blair set a small platter on the table. Smells like heated bird. My favorite! “Merow?” Figaro hopped up on one chair and peered over the edge of the table.
“No, Figaro! That’s our dinner, not yours,” Blair said, shooing the cat off the chair. “Besides, you know you don't get *people* food.”
The cat let out a small puff of air that sounded something like a “humph”. Fine! Figaro resumed his position beneath the table. I can wait. The Big Man will share when you’re not looking.
~Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.
At the end of every day, when Jim and Blair returned home, the small rug in the kitchen was bunched up against the refrigerator. Everyday Jim or Blair would return it to its place in front of the sink.
“What do you do while we’re gone?” Blair sighed. He was looking down at Figaro as he wound his way around his legs, then at the rug that was bunched against the refrigerator once again.
~First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.
And
~Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.
Blair's attention was drawn from his laptop to the black and white lump that lay in the sun that filtered through the balcony windows.
Figaro had spent the last hour or so moving slowly with the warm sunlight as it moved across the floor. Before that he'd been burrowed beneath the blankets of Blair's unmade bed. Before that he'd been up sleeping with Jim until the Detective had gotten up to go to work.
Blair chuckled as he watched Figaro stretch and turn over so the sun was shining on his belly. "What a life."
~Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.
Figaro sat in front of the refrigerator quietly pushing his tongue over his fur ... waiting. He stopped and watched as Blair came from the living room and opened the big white box. The cat craned his neck to see what his Master was retrieving.
Carrot sticks and an apple! Bummer! Figaro ignored Blair and went back to his cleaning.
A few minutes later Jim appeared to rummage through the dinner leftovers.
Figaro stood and moved close to the Big Man's legs, looking from Jim's face to the inside of the big white box. When it came to Jim, Figaro knew he'd hit the mother lode.
~Law of Random Comfort Seeking (Random? Yeah ... right! <G>)
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.
Blair lay stretched out on the sofa, reading a textbook.
Figaro appeared, jumped up on Blair and started to make himself comfy.
Without taking his eyes off the book, Blair slid the cat off his chest into the small space between him and the back of the sofa.
1) Feet planted firmly against Master's side and stretch slowly until Master scoots over a bit.
2) Struggle to curl into feline sleeping position until Master feels guilty and scoots over a bit more.
3) Begin to purr and knead that little spot on Master's ribs.
Blair *sat* comfortably on the end of the sofa, reading a textbook and glaring at the black and white cat occupying the other two-thirds of the piece of furniture.
~Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
Blair emptied the last bag and put away the groceries. Then he tossed the bag over the counter onto the floor.
Instantly, Figaro darted from inside one bag into the new addition.
Jim walked in the door a minute later. “Chief, why are there five empty grocery bags on the floor?”
~Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
Figaro inspected several corners of the living room walls, sniffed at the big chair, then went to the bookcase, then turned and moved to the end of the sofa. Reaching up, he stretched his full length up as far up the corner of the sofa as he could reach. Then began kneading and stretching his toes ... and claws ... against the material.
~Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid-section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.
OOFMP!!!! <G>
~Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.
Jim woke at the sound of something hitting the floor down stairs. With his senses on alert, Jim listened.
Laplaplaplap.
Looking down over the loft railing into the kitchen below, Jim saw that Figaro had managed to knock a carton of milk off the counter. White liquid spread slowly over the floor and one very happy cat was drenched in it. He was lapping a bit off the floor, then a bit off his fur or front paw.
"SANDBURG!!!"
~Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for her to do something.
And
~Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.
Figaro sniffed at the scraps in the trash as Jim cleaned the kitchen after dinner.
"Get away from there, Fig," Jim said, gently pushing the cat away with one foot.
Figaro turned and walked away ... only to wander back when Jim's back was turned.
"Hey, I thought I told you to get out of here?" Jim said, looking down at the cat.
"Meow."
Jim grabbed a paper towel and placed a few chicken scraps from the trash on it before setting it on the floor.
Figaro sniffed at the food now within easy reach ... and turned away, trotting back out to the living room to sit with his Master on the sofa.
~Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.
Blair sighed as he sat down on the sofa. “You’re wearing me out here.” He held the slightly soggy pill between his thumb and forefinger as he held the unhappy black and white cat on his lap with one arm and placed the pill on the back of Figaro’s tongue. He then gently held the cat’s mouth shut while carefully massages Figaro’s throat. Blair felt the throat constrict slightly as the cat swallowed.
“There now,” Blair smiled, releasing his hold on Figaro’s head. “That wasn’t so bad … was it?”
Figaro huffed and looked up briefly at his Master. Then unceremoniously spit the pill out … again.
“Figaro, it’s just a vitamin!” Blair said, totally exasperated as he picked the capsule up off the floor for the third time.
~Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn't Matter.
Blair glanced up from his book to see Jim stretched comfortably on the sofa. He smiled softly. Figaro lay curled in a tight ball on his Sentinel’s chest, raising and falling with each breath the man took.
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end